You can be in the most beautiful place in the world, having the best time, and still feel sad. (Written June 6th, 2022)
Living Abroad Is HARD!
Being way outside your comfort zone is scary. I held off writing this post because I am in a better place mentally now but for awhile it was tough.
Just to clarify, I am very lucky I haven’t had to deal with actual clinical depression, Xpat depression for me is more of a level of home homesickness and feeling isolated, but it can be hard to get out of that funk. When I first arrived I felt like I had to get my life completely under control and into a routine within a few days and that is impossible. Obviously there are a million challenges facing you when you move to a new country and a thousand things you must learn. When you can’t check off the boxes right away you start walking down the road I call panic and unaccomplished.
Well I Feel Like An Idiot
I get bored really easily, I always want to be doing something, and I need a purpose when I wake up in the morning. I am extremely goal orientated. When I didn’t have a job for the first couple months I focused my attention on the logistical things I needed to do to be here. Paperwork, residence stuff, drivers license, that type of thing. What was hard about that was I couldn’t do those things alone. I think for me that was the start of Xpat depression. The feeling if being completely useless in situations you are used to doing no problem.
Losing your independence is terrifying. I know how to drive. I have been driving since I was 14 and luckily the rules of the road are the same here. When my love and I purchased a car off his sister, that was a huge step to getting my sense of independence back. Problem is, you have a car and that's great, but where do you have to go? You have no friends here, no family to visit, no job to go to everyday filling your time, and you can only go to the grocery store so many times in a week. This leads me to the second part of Xpat depression. Not wanting to leave the house. It is VERY easy to find excuses to stay home all day. Many times when my love was out at work I would tell myself “I’ll wait until he's back to run errands.” Or “I don't know where I’m going and I don't want to get lost.” "If I go out in public no one will be able to talk to me in english.” and my personal favourite “It’s kinda cold and gross outside.” ……I’m in Athens….its only kind of cold and gross outside maybe 3 days out of the entire year. My point is it’s very easy to become a shut in and not want to leave the house. The house is a safe space. There are no new challenges you have to face there, no possible issues to run into that you weren't prepared for. It's too easy to stay home.
A lot of FaceTiming
I call my family members at lest once a week. During the weeks where I am missing them extra its twice. Facetimes are my life line. They are also a blessing and a curse because it can make you feel even more homesick. When I talk with my sister and she tells me she’s going to my dad’s house for dinner tonight and the monthly family birthday gathering is coming up, I instantly feel sad. I hate missing out on these little things. When my cousins call me and they are all together having some drinks on a Saturday night and I am just waking up and making my morning coffee I feel like I am on a different planet.
Missing The Big Moments
Its not just the little things. A lot happens in a year. When I return home next Christmas I will have missed 3 of my best friends weddings. That is insane to me. An event we have talked about since we were in junior high and I'm missing all of them. Missing the big moments makes you question your life choices and adds to the complicated feelings of being away. You also have to look at why you made the choice you did to move and if creating a new life and this adventure is it worth missing out on so much at home.
Are You Having A Day?
It’s the weirdest feeling when you are having a good time and nothing is going wrong and you still miss your family and feel sad. I never knew those two emotions could coexist. It very much feels like the “wish you were here” postcard. When I’m enjoying myself and experiencing new adventures I so wish my friends were here doing it with me, because I know they would make it just that much more amazing.
My love calls it “having a day” he can tell when some days I’m just not myself and I'm in my own world. Some days I will cry and feel sad and I have no reason why. He will ask me “are you having a day?” And I will respond in tears with "yeah and I don’t know why I'm sad because I’m fine.” I have had many conversations with my love about navigating these days and how certain situations can trigger this feeling. A big trigger for me is his family gatherings. I dread Sunday dinners and bigger holidays because I know I will be sitting in a room full of lovely people having the best time speaking a language I barely understand. It is the most isolating feeling on the planet. Hearing the sounds of family time that you are not really a part of sends me for a ride of missing my family gatherings at top speed. He has gotten very good at reading my body language and doing his best to ask if I'm okay and helping include me in conversations but it’s tough and I get it. I know I am the outsider, the immigrant girlfriend. No matter how loving and great they are I will always be slightly on the outside. And that’s okay. Some days its easy to handle and some days it's just not. And thats okay. I am learning that slowly.
Find Your Own Purpose
For me it has been so so sooo important to have my own purpose. I am lucky that within two months of being here I found a wonderful full-time job that I really enjoy and I work with fantastic people who have become my dear friends here. This isn’t just a job bartending or working at a clothing store. It's a job that people chose as their career and something I could see myself continuing on with for awhile. This has helped me and my mental health immensely. Working in a place where almost everyone is an Xpat and they all have been through situations you are dealing with is such a breath of fresh air. It's my own little community of support I work with everyday and I couldn't be more grateful to have.
All I can say for those living abroad is make sure you find your sense of normalcy. Get yourself into a routine you enjoy and also work out!!! Going for a run in the park near my house to clear my head and reset has helped me more times than I can count. Also, make sure there is always something to look forward to. A comedian I love said this once and its so true. It can be something big or small but if you have something that is coming up you can get excited about, it will keep your spirits high.
Just some thoughts I wanted to share with you all.
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